The Meaning of Life's Struggles

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." - Lamentations 3:22 (NIV)
"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." - Jeremiah 31:13 (NIV)

I used to think God gave us certain challenges repeatedly until we learned our lesson from them. Then they would stop and we could move on to new challenges. After decades of increasingly occurring migraines, I know that line of reasoning to be flawed. It is impossible in the throes of such blinding pain to think anything besides, "Dear Lord, I think my brains are going to explode out of my mouth unless You help me."

Occasionally, my prayer is answered by my medicine lulling me to sleep rapidly. A few times the response has been gastric pyrotechnics which I hope have not included any of my nervous system. More often, like today, I am left to feel the medicine has not done its job, is giving me concerning side effects that mean my neurologist will be searching via trial and error through several more treatments, and I continue to feel sick.

I have to focus on other things to keep from going out of my mind with the pain. The distraction technique has its merits when used correctly. I can pray, meditate, study scripture or philosophy, read uplifting books, watch positive movies or shows, work on one of my crafts or try to write if I can focus enough like now. Sometimes, though, the distractions are more a pity party, wherein lies the danger.

I have to be mindful that, ever since a bad head injury as a child, I have a tendency to become depressed easily by certain circumstances or influences. This has been a difficult year for me and the last several weeks have been discouraging in a way I never would have expected. I noticed the last few days a definite decrease in my amount of willingness to participate in activities that usually matter a great deal to me, whether because I'm passionate about them or love people who need me to care. This is a wake up call to me that I am headed toward a depressive episode.

I had hoped to turn that around today by getting physically and mentally active again. But I awoke this morning with this migraine. For those who have never suffered the pain of a full-blown migraine headache, I will attempt to describe the sensation.

Have you ever had a finger hammered or slammed in a door so hard that it turned four different colors within an hour after and maybe bled a little and you weren't sure if you would need a splint and whether you would lose the nail permanently? Imagine feeling like that has been done to the back of you eyeballs and the bundle of nerves between your neck and skull. But the pain will not subside for twelve hours, a full day, three days or maybe a week. You might vomit from how bad the pain is. Light feels like knitting needles stabbing through your eyes, stirring shards of broken glass around inside your brain, and stabbing out the back of your skull. Noise does not cause migraines; different patients have different reactions to different noises at different times. I sometimes can't stand any noise at all; other times rhythmic bass actually distracts me from the pounding of my own pulse in my head, so soothes me.

From facing this torture more often as the years go by, along with my other infirmities, I have adopted another philosophy. We often don't appreciate blessings in life to their very fullest extent unless we have faced suffering. I certainly don't take fleeting moments of joy with my family for granted anymore.

WHAT KIND OF DEAL IS THIS?

As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. – James 5:11 (NIV)

In the words of my late step dad (who had diabetes), "What kind of deal is this?" He'd say that about his feet. Because of neuropathy he couldn't feel them enough to be sure where he was placing them when he walked, so he had to watch them in tricky places, but every step hurt anyway!

The hand I was dealt? The rheumatologist who diagnosed me at 38 estimated from my medical history that I've suffered since my single digits from Fibromyalgia (now in the neuroimmunological class). It hurt my extremities when cold from as young as I can remember. It began destroying my eyes slowly at 8; by the time I was 10 I could see a foot without my lenses; by 14, 6 inches; a few years ago I needed bifocals; each year since we increase the prescription. I can only digest bland foods. If I breathe certain particles (like perfumes) harmless to others, I have asthma attacks and may develop pulmonary infections. I have to be careful what touches my skin or I may not just have a local reaction, but absorb certain things into my blood stream that cause asthma attacks. Now at times for no apparent reason my flesh will experience pain that feels like second degree burns or the stabbing of an ice pick. Four of my five senses were destroyed or under attack by this disease. But I thought, "Fine, I still have my perfect appreciation of my hearing, ma joie de la musique de la vive, to comfort me."

The past few years, I noticed difficulty hearing one person talk to me in background noise, but doctors assured me it was just my ADHD influencing my concentration; then my ability to hear voices over electronic devices rapidly decreased and my mid-range tones (which I rely on as an alto and tenor singer) were disappearing over the last year or two. I was in complete denial because I was terrified to acknowledge it.

I screwed up my nerve though and had Beltone do their extensive free hearing test two days ago. We discovered I've lost half the hearing in one ear, and in the ear that used to be my stronger one I've lost almost all sound. The hearing aids they let me try were like heaven to my ears if you will pardon the cliché. I don’t remember hearing that well as a child.

The fall from grace? The insurance that covers military retirees will pay nothing for hearing aids. Beltone tries to be helpful by offering veteran's families a 25% discount, but that still brings the pair I need for my advanced case of unusual hearing loss to $5000.

My husband could not figure out the crushed look on my face as I walked in the door of our home which is in need of some major improvements. It is where we live with our two daughters who accrue for us almost as many doctors’ bills as me. The oldest is struggling to make ends meet on a car payment and college tuition. The youngest will be going to college in a year and a half to major in music theatre and is taking private voice and piano lessons and still needs dance lessons to get her up to speed, plus a reliable used vehicle. Both my husband’s and my cars need repairs before the dog days of Georgia summer arrive. In other words, our budget is stretched exceedingly tight and thin at the moment.

I told my husband, who has been frustrated to distraction this past year by my inability to hear the dog barking outside, the kids calling across the house (which I think is just rude anyway) or understand the mumbling young actors on TV, why I looked so dejected. He tried to cheer me up with cuddling and jokes which usually works pretty well, but this was a heart-rending situation for me. He figured that out quickly enough and promised that he will be working on the taxes this week with the program he picked up last weekend and get us the best breaks possible from Uncle Sam to help me get those hearing aids. The problem is after the couple of years we’ve had with Uncle Sam, I don’t trust him not to steal the shirts off our entire family’s backs, including our retired mothers.

Yesterday I was still feeling depressed, so he said he told me not to worry because if Uncle Sam doesn’t give us an Income Tax Return, we can always just use some of our nest egg instead. This was the most generous thing he could do because that account is supposed to be untouchable until he retires from civilian work. It will then pay off the mortgage so we can stay in this house, or sell it and move to one of the same price in another part of the country, and live debt free in our old age. Pulling out any funds now could risk that dream. It makes me love him more that he would offer it, but it also makes me feel a little guilty that he feels he has to.

I am trying to remember to look to the positive in life, to keep striving for everything that can be achieved. After all, if we give up, we fall into complete chaos, despair and ruin. I tell myself that there are plenty of people out there suffering far worse than I am; I even know a few personally and am praying the Lord helps them out of their predicaments or gives them the courage to face what He is walking them through. I know I must pull myself together if I will be any use to the world as He wants. But some days I just want a tiny break, to feel a little comfort and like something will go right for once to show for all my hard work. Do you know what I mean?

The Lord is always there listening when I go on this way. He knows I am weak, that no matter how optimistic part of me is, there is another part that has been damaged by the curse of this world. He lets me crumple and cry a while, but reminds me He is there to pick me up and dry my eyes and show me something better. Moreover, He promises there will be no more crying, pain, infirmity, dimness of sight, or dullness of either taste or scent in His kingdom, only the joy of life’s music.

Singing Those Holiday Blues

Then Job answered the Lord, and said, I know that thou canst do every thing, and that no thought can be withholden from thee. Who is he that hideth counsel without knowledge? therefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not. Hear, I beseech thee, and I will speak: I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee. (Job 42:1-5 -KJV)

For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him. (Isaiah 64:4 - KJV)

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. (1 Corinthians 2:9 - KJV)

I must apologize for not maintaining my goal for this blog to write at least a couple entries per month. Please bear with my explanation, though it’s a bit of a downer. It’s all relevant to my main point.

My chronic health issues were on the rampage this year for one thing. That started with concerns for the cardiologist and the gastroenterologist at the same time (and five months of testing!) which turned out to be merely one of my Fibromyalgia medications giving me more side effects than benefits. Later I had two separate incidents of bronchitis, the first of which became a month long bout of pneumonia. Increased Fibromyalgia flare ups (possibly from pulling me off the high-side effect med) often leave me feeling as though I’m in the throes of a full-body migraine for days or even weeks. Difficult as my health challenges have been though, they were nothing compared to a call we had been dreading concerning by husband’s brother.

Jim Lehrmann had struggled with Juvenile (or Type-1) Diabetes most of his life. Despite being cited by several supervisors as one of their best, most reliable and hardest workers, he was let go from the factory where he had been employed full-time and had good medical insurance. The dispute was over days he had taken for what he considered important family business and they did not. He was unable to find permanent full-time work because of the economy, so had to settle for temporary jobs. The hours were good and the wages weren’t too bad, but he still had no medical coverage, so had to pay for insulin and some other health expenses out of pocket.

He began to have complications last year: inexplicable spikes in his blood sugar levels, severe retinal damage causing blindness and congestive heart failure. He could no longer work. He lost his home. He tried filing for Social Security Insurance and Medicaid, but the bureaucracies kept grinding their wheels slowly. The stress was the worst thing for his condition. Although somehow his heart got better, the blood sugar levels stayed erratic until finally it damaged his kidneys. After requiring hospitalization several times over the course of ten months, he was finally approved for dialysis and to get on the transplant list.

 

The day he went for his first outpatient dialysis treatment, August 24, we received a call that he had passed out at the treatment facility, his heart had stopped and they had rushed him to the hospital where he was in a coma. He was transferred later that day to another hospital which apparently was better equipped with the necessary breathing apparatus. The next day the doctor declared him nonresponsive and the immediate family was called to say their good-byes.

When we got there the next day the nurse explained to us that the doctor’s diagnosis was necrotic brain damage from which there is no recovery. She demonstrated the lack of responses to certain tests they administer, so we could understand. It helped us to make the decision we knew Jim wanted. He never wanted to have his body kept alive if his mind wasn’t there anymore. The neurologist arrived the next day to verify the diagnosis and then we were able to turn off the machines and pull the breathing tube and let him go naturally to his peace.

Jim had not had an easy life. He allowed the emotional blows to drive him away from God for a long time. Sometimes over the years, he was open to discussing matters of faith with his big brother and me … briefly. Jim never let us tell him either of our testimonies or anything that personal or deep about our faith, but we stayed open to listening and answered his questions and tried not to be pushy (patience is not our strong point). He didn’t stop believing in God really because he told me once he was angry with God. You can’t be angry with somebody you believe doesn’t exist. But God is big enough to take that anger directed at Him and make miracles happen in ways we don’t expect.

I know it was of great comfort to the whole family that during Jim’s final conscious days, he seemed in every conversation to radiate anticipation and acceptance. He had asked to meet with his uncle the retired pastor. So we are confident that in his heart he had already made the decision of returning to the Lord. He just wanted confirmation from an expert that it would stick tight this time.

This year passed in a blur of physical and emotional pain for me. Now I am one third of the way through December, eleven days from turning 45 and the date that people kept going on about being the possible end of the world because of that stupid Mayan calendar. My brother-in-law Jim died less than three weeks before turning 45. This year I missed our joking about how I was trying to catch up to him in age.

 

I can’t find much holiday cheer and I don’t seem to be the only one in the family. We decided not to put up our big Christmas tree and though we said we’d put up some other decorations, we haven’t yet. My daughters aren’t enjoying Chanukah like they used to even though their uncle wasn’t even from the Jewish side of the family. I have all the ingredients but haven’t baked a single cookie.

Jim would be ashamed of me for that last part. Even though he had diabetes and didn’t eat sweets himself, he made some mean desserts for other folks. His cheesecake, cream puffs, cannoli and Death by Chocolate were the rage of nearly every celebration at work. It was his way of overcoming.

If Jim could see me wallowing in my holiday blues, I’m sure he’d say that I need to stop having a pity party, get off my kiester and just work at something I usually would during this time of year until I feel the spirit. He would tell me to make more cookies than ever and give a bunch away to cheer people up in his honor. Most of all, I bet he is wishing right now he could tell me there is so much more in store for the faithful to someday experience than anything his brother, he and I ever mentioned in our chats.

For more information about Diabetes and the search for a cure visit:

American Diabetes Association http//www.diabetes.org/

National Diabetic Association http://ndausa.net/

USING WORDS WISELY

He that hath knowledge spareth his words:
And a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise:
And he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.
(Proverbs 17:27-28 – KJV)

I am one of those people who go through periods of life with the perpetual flavor of my lower digits in my mouth. You would think I would have learned after the first few times I made an idiot out of myself. Especially those times people’s feelings got hurt or somebody was irritated so much they didn’t want to get into a discussion with me for months.

And I do learn something. I apologize for my mistake. I try to explain where my human nature got the better of me, or where I misunderstood, and what I’m going to do to keep it from happening in the future. I once read a joke that seemed really appropriate: Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. And I really make an effort … for a while.

Then there are the times something has happened that stuns me speechless. Some of my loved ones may joke, saying that is a huge improbability. But it has occurred on occasion that somebody catches me off-guard with some despicable utterance or act. And then I lie awake for several nights afterward mentally kicking myself about all the things I could and should have said.

I promise myself if a similar situation ever arises, I will be more prepared to defend the helpless person or the righteous cause. But the fact of the matter is, even having witnessed some of the worst side of humanity and knowing my treasured scripture promises things are only going to get worse as the Lord tarries, I still succumb to denial that I will ever be confronted with such brazen behavior again. And I doubt anybody can fully prepare themselves for specifics anyway.

Also, I find myself plagued by the times I’ve been very careful not to say anything until asked for advice and I am very careful to give my very best according to all the wisdom I have from research and experience, only to have it thrown back in my face. Sometimes it is immediately, sometimes later, but always the requester never puts the advice to the test or executes it improperly. Regardless, the result is these people label me one of three things: idiot, liar or lunatic.

I tell myself, Jesus warned us we would go through these things because they were done to even Him, and that the Apostles counted it a great honor to suffer similarly to our Savior. But it hurts deeply, nonetheless.

I’m sure I’m forgetting several other types of situations where communications just break down between people all the time. I guess the most important thing is to just try to keep the lines open. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” And of course, the Scriptures tell us that we can display any number of gifts, but if we do nothing with love it won’t matter.

 
And Jesus is still the most perfect example of love I know. So I can think of nobody whose words are wiser.

COUNTING THE COST

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 (KJV)

So many people forget our founding fathers set up “separation of Church and State,” as they like to call it, because European countries for too long had been torn in bloody conflicts because of governments oppressing religious freedoms. The basic legal, ethical and moral foundation of our government came from their primary religious beliefs. Our Declaration of Independence stated: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights. And then the First Amendment to our Constitution enacted: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

As long as we aren't committing human sacrifice, abusing children or contributing to terrorist causes, we should be free to conduct our religious business according to how the consensus of our respective congregations see the will of God. Our government, according to our constitution should not be able to interfere. Yet we as voting citizens have the right to insist our government serve us as we see fit. If that means we in the "moral" ranks are in the majority, then the rest of the nation will just have to understand that is the way democracy works.

In our country today, so many people want to sweep talk of religion and morality under some huge rug of what is politically correct or socially convenient. They tend to forget the people who sacrificed their lives for our freedom to worship or not as we choose. They would rather not go through the uncomfortable feeling of learning about the thousands of people dying around the world even now for their faith in Christ. It certainly never occurs to them what their neighbor may have suffered to come to such a strong belief that they end each conversation with “God bless you;” they just wish it would stop because they don’t know what to say in return.

Some of them have told me they think church-going Christians are all hypocrites. Each attended a couple of churches where they saw some people behave in a manner that sure wasn’t like what Jesus talked about. Whether it was greed, gossip, criticism, lust, selfishness or just not acting welcoming, somebody hurt their feelings. So they stopped trying to find a church or group of Christians to fellowship with.

It was wrong for any Christians to hurt them. But it was equally wrong for them to judge all Christians on the actions of a few and join the Ban-All-Religious-Jargon bandwagon because of it. I once heard Zig Ziglar say, “If you stop going to church because of a hypocrite, you’re just letting the hypocrite come between you and God.” When you learn to forgive, like Jesus talked about, you release yourself from the chains of bitterness that prevent you from moving on with your life successfully. We need to learn to take personal responsibility for our struggles with faith, not blame them on others and try to destroy the most important freedom we have in this country.

Maybe I’m particularly sensitive to this issue because I think how fortunate it was that my great-grandparents moved the families out of Poland and to America before they could be trapped by the events that led to the Shoah, the Holocaust. So many did not have the chance to fight for the freedom to worship, or did not recognize when that moment existed until it was ripped from them. Those events are being repeated around the world today where men are dragged from where they work by day or from their homes in the dark of night to be tortured where their families are not allowed to see them. Women are raped and children slaughtered.

Mainstream media rarely carries the stories of these events because the victims are Christians. It is not considered a popular issue in our country. We are selling away the lifeblood of these innocents the same way we did the European Jews of the early 20^th century. And in our own country we are giving away more and more of our own rights, until one day we may be surprised to awaken without any.

According to my grandmother, my grandfather couldn’t wait to be rid of his U.S. Army uniform after he came home. She said he never wanted to see it again or talk about the time he served during World War II. As one who struggles with PTSD I can understand. He was a gentle man. But I’m glad she saved a picture of him in uniform and that I got to see it. I was so proud of him. He served at a time when an evil machine was trying to eradicate millions of people of his faith.

There have been several men in my family who served our country during times of conflict. As far as I know we did not lose any physical lives while in service. But I know that almost all of them came home changed because they had to bury a piece of themselves somewhere those of us who have never served can never see. So every Memorial Day I give my thanks to God for the sacrifice they made for our freedom.

Virtual Violation

Proverbs 29:22-27 “A hot-tempered person starts fights and gets into all kinds of sin. Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor. If you assist a thief, you are only hurting yourself. You will be punished if you report the crime, but you will be cursed if you don’t. Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but to trust the LORD means safety. Many seek the ruler’s favor, but justice comes from the LORD. The godly despise the wicked; the wicked despise the godly.” (NLT)

I discovered today that I have been the victim of violation. It has been happening unbeknownst to me for an unknown length of time, as a matter of fact.

A few years ago, I entered a love poetry contest sponsored by a Christian website devoted to keeping the marriage bed pure. The sonnet I had written my husband back when we were newlyweds as my Valentine’s Day present to him did not win the contest, but was good enough to be posted as a finalist on their site. This was, in my heart and mind, a sacred work, inspired by the Spirit to show my pure affection for the beloved man the Lord had given me in holy wedlock. I was honored it was chosen to help inspire other married couples to pursue the romance, unity and sanctity of their nuptials.

I was horrified when I learned that a less reputable site, one that panders, shall we say, “naughty” pictures and video, had been using my poem and MY NAME without my permission under a title about learning to “make a girl fall in love” with the reader. I was outraged and sickened! I felt abused, exposed and violated!

You shake your head and think, “Shana, it’s not that bad really?” Do you believe I do a disservice to survivors of sexual assault with such a reaction? Then you don’t know me and should read my survivor article at Hubpages and poems at Helium.

You also may not be familiar with the workings of the mind of sexual predators. They wish to use sex as a weapon, an instrument of humiliation to make them feel superior in some way to those they see as powerless to stop them. It has nothing to do with the act of sex itself and everything to do with an abuse of innocence, trying to degrade the victim to the level the perpetrator secretly or subconsciously perceives himself. In a twisted way, he tries to replace something he has lost by forcefully taking it from others, unaware he only hollows out the emptiness inside himself even larger until it swallows him whole, a gaping pit that is never satisfied.

I’ve seen that pit from inside my own addictions and depression and I can verify it is hell on earth. There is no way a person can climb out alone. Even with the help of people in this life, a respite is only temporary. The abyss always waits to devour again. The only permanent solution granted us is to accept the lifeline of Love held out by the only sinless man to ever walk this mortal coil: Holy God Incarnate, Y’shua HaMessiach, Christ Jesus. He filled that chasm with His blood, covering the multitude of our sins from view. I realized to deny that was ungrateful, rude and self-destructive. So I grabbed hold of Him and have believed His promise ever since that the enemy can never do anything to pull me back down.

Perhaps at times, I place myself in a position of vulnerability through my own pride. It is one of the lessons I come back around to once or twice every decade. I learn through some difficult events that life can be a hard path to walk when we think we are the most experienced guide. But I’ve never claimed to be perfect, only forgiven.

I spent several hours researching steps to take about plagiarism and then doing my best to follow them. The easiest article to follow was by a fellow writer on Helium in the number one slot under the category: How You Can Fight Online Plagiarism.

Did you know if you want Google to remove a webpage from a search they will not do it directly over copyright issues because they do not think they should get involved in such a sticky legal matter? Lawyers! Why are they always mucking simple things up? However, in my instance, I could request the page be removed as spam, since it listed my full name on an adult site without permission and involved another content issue that violates their regulations. I’ll try with other search engines, as well.

I also contacted the webhosting site to request the page be removed and if possible the offender be banned from their services. Of course, since the host is in another country and is known for hosting primarily adult sites, it is unlikely they will be willing to lose a paying customer over something that may not be illegal there. I indicated, though, that I would prefer to resolve the matter amicably rather than resort to lawyers if possible. So let’s hope that at least gets the page deleted.

And now I’ve tried to inform other people about plagiarism. Isn’t it amazing in our world, how the victims are the ones who have to spend so much of their precious time fixing the wrongs committed against them. I am getting further behind on the projects I had planned to complete by the end of the month because of these injustices that have appeared this week and the resulting myriad of little inconveniences that clamor for speedy resolution. Regardless, I cling tightly to the promise Jesus made: “Judgment will come because the prince of this world has already been judged.” (John 16:11 NLT)

FED UP WITH FIGHTING THE FEDS OVER HEALTH

Matthew 9:12-13 "But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." (KJV)

I rarely rant. I normally avoid confrontation at all costs because it upsets my stomach. I usually subscribe to a turn-the-other-cheek philosophy. However, if the Federal government messes with me having access to any other of the few medications that my doctors have actually found to work for me, I may have to set up my sick bed in the middle of Congress.

I've had it up to my eyeballs with the DoD requiring military dependents travel back to their doctors to have forms filled out by their doctors verifying they have "Prior Authorization" from their doctors for the medicine their doctors wrote the prescriptions for in the first place before the military pharmacy (or if the military pharm isn't allowed to fill it for some Catch 22 reason, the mail order pharmacy) will process it.

And the FDA leaves drugs on the market that have people keeling over from heart attacks or strokes as long as the manufacturer puts a warning on it, but the only med that has ever given me absolute relief from my migraines with no side effects or addiction they take off the market and nobody can tell me why (except that it might be because it contained acetaminophen and some idiots were taking Tylenol along with it and ruining it for the rest of us migraine sufferers).

A few years ago, I had to give up four-fifths of the foods I love to keep myself alive and relatively healthy. I don't just mean junk food; I'm referring to fruits and vegetables, herbs and spices, and a few other items that are incredibly healthy and beneficial to most humans, but poison to my body. I accepted this fate (mostly because I could still have chocolate which is actually, after frequent use, starting to seem commonplace and bland) because I want to live long enough to see my kids grow up to have their own families, and maybe finally have a chance to pursue my interests and maybe leave some other legacy to this world.

But if they start taking my meds away, instead of slowly and painfully wasting away, I might just commit "suicide" by gluttony. I'll surround that sickbed on the Congressional floor with all my favorite fruits, mint tea, iced coffee, corn chips and salsa, pickles, peanuts, macadamias and whatever else I remember by then that I've been missing. Then I'll conduct my own personal eating contest to see how many of the foods I can consume before I stop breathing, with DNR orders and instructions that my remains and that of my last supper be left right where we fall, on display for at least a month. Anybody want to join me?